The maid of honor just puked.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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