i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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