Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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