I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
