she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
