I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
