Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
