Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
