do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
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