I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
