can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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