Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I just blew my weed a kiss
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
