I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?