You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
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