I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
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I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
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He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??