just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Randomize
