Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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