Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
