Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i wish my penis had a tongue
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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