If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
