omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I stole a fireplace last night.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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