if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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