So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
