then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
