$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
