i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
