You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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