11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
