Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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