either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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