Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
i now understand why vodka
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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