I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
