i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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