Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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