Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
