this beer tastes like vomit already
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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