Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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