I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
