My liver just broke up with me...
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
