she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
