So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
bring money and cleavage
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
