Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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