I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
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You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
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Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
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