Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
