If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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