your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
