Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
