I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
