you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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