It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
