my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
