Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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