The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
