She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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