Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
