I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
