dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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