Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I wish you could order shots online.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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