oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
