we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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