Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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